ASH WEDNESDAY - Isaiah 58:1-12; Psalm 103:8-14; 2 Corinthians 5:20b-6:10; Matthew 6:1-6, 16-21 - 6 February 2008 - A homily given by The Rev. Peter A. Munson for St. Ambrose Episcopal Church, Boulder, Colorado
Lent and Paying Attention to Your Relationships
INTRODUCTION - Listening and Hannah
I had one of those days on Monday where it seemed like God teed the ball up perfectly for me and I took a big swing and topped it, and it dribbled only twenty-five yards off the tee. Or, if you prefer, I duck-hooked it into the pond.
You see, I started the morning doing some planning for the Vestry retreat this weekend. One of the things I plan to do with the Vestry this year is teach some principles about how we can have better relationships. For being part of a Vestry, or part of a church, for that matter, is not just about getting certain tasks done. ItÕs about tending to our relationships, and learning how to grow in and through our relationships. Anyway, Julia and I were talking about how to listen in a healthy way, how most people arenÕt really listened to very well, and how we tend to have listening filters. For example, we can listen defensively; or we can listen and be caught up in thinking about how we can fix the problem for the other person, and then weÕre not really listening. Julia and I talked again about how valuable it is when someone really listens to us - what a gift that is.
Later in the day, a little while after Hannah had gotten out of school, she told me that she had just found out that one of her best friends will be going to a different high school than her this fall. Hannah and her friend met and became good friends in second grade. Then this friend switched schools, and they have kept their friendship going all these years, and it looked like they were finally going to be reunited this coming fall, for high school. As you can imagine, Hannah was very excited about that. And yesterday, she was really disappointed when she heard the news that it was not to be. I literally thought to myself, when Hannah told me this news, ÒPeter, now is the time for you to really listen to Hannah, to be there for her. She is going to have lots of feelings about this, and she will get through this, and she and her friend will get through this. But right now you just need to listen, and have empathy.Ó
It started out okay. But then Hannah said something that didnÕt sit well with me, and before I realized what had happened, she and I were arguing and raising our voices to each other, and it was a big mess. She was now more upset, because of me. The timing of her sharing this with me had happened basically right after I had spent half my morning thinking about how to be a good listener, and then - bam! - I was doing one of the exact things that I knew was not helpful. I was trying to convince her that the way she was seeing this turn of events was not right. I was not really listening to her and to her reactions and feelings. I was trying to fix it for her. And I just made things worse.
I came to may senses rather quickly, and told her that I had been a lousy listener, and that I was sorry, and that I knew she was just really disappointed.
And then I shut up, which is what I should have done the first time around, and things moved to a better place. But man, did I feel totally awful for quite a while.
LENT AND TENDING TO OUR RELATIONSHIPS
Why I am telling you this story on this day? I think itÕs because this little interaction between Hannah and me is what Lent is about. God shines a light on us every Lent, and the challenge is this: Will we step into the light that God shines on us, and look at our relationships, and pay attention to them, and ask for GodÕs help in working on them, and making them better?
We can start with our relationship with God. And we can do that by entering into some time-tested disciplines that deepen our relationship with God. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, ÒWhenever you give alms... whenever you pray... whenever you fast...Ó (Matthew 6:2, 5, 16) In other ways, he assumes we will be doing these things. Why? To tend to our relationship with God, thatÕs why. But then he goes on to say how not to do these things. And the common refrain is, in a nutshell, ÒDonÕt engage in these spiritual disciplines in order to be seen and praised by others. ThatÕs the wrong motivation.Ó Do it because you want to grow closer to God. Do it because you really have a desire to learn how to love, rather than messing up your relationships. ThatÕs enough motivation right there.
You can also think about your relationship with yourself this Lent, because the commandment is Òyou shall love your neighbor as yourself.Ó For many of us, this is the biggest challenge of all - to love ourselves. Or even to begin to love ourselves the way that God loves us. In my story about my interaction with Hannah, I could beat myself up for days around what happened, and be even harder on myself than God would be. That is not what God wants. Instead, I can ask the questions: What does God want for me? What does God want me to learn this Lent? What is a new thing I can do that will benefit me? When you think about what you might take on or what you might give up this Lent, think about that. What might be good for me to do? What thing can I do for myself this Lent that would demonstrate love for myself?
And then, of course, there is also the paying attention to our relationships with others. The opportunities abound. I have a quote above my desk at home by Frederick Buechner that is about foolishness. Part of it reads, God Òis foolish enough to have us speak of loving our enemies when we have a hard enough time loving our friends...Ó We could add to that Òfamily membersÓ, or Òbrothers and sisters in the body of Christ.Ó And Isaiah reminds us that our neighbor includes many people beyond just our friends and family members. And he reminds us that our spiritual disciplines are not only supposed to deepen our connection with God, but also to deepen our compassion for those who are precious in GodÕs sight, who are in trouble. Go ahead, God says. Fast and pray and give alms. But if those things arenÕt deepening your connections with the poor, the suffering, the oppressed, then you are missing the mark, and you are part of the problem, and your prayers are going in one of GodÕs ears and out the other.
ÒIs not this the fast I choose: to loose the bonds of injustice, to undo the thongs of the yoke, to let the oppressed go free, and to break every yoke? Is it not to share your bread with the hungry, and bring the homeless poor into your house; when you see the naked, to cover them, and not to hide yourself from your own kin? Then your light shall break forth like the dawn, and your healing shall spring up quickly; your vindicator shall go before you, the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard. They you shall call, and the Lord will answer; you shall cry for help, and he will say, Here I am.Ó (Isaiah 58:6-9)
In other words, following Jesus is both an inward and an outward journey. The poor have a call upon our life, just as God does. And our praying, our fasting, our giving of alms are all supposed to change us; they are supposed to change us from the inside out, so that we learn, more and more, how to reach out in love, as Jesus did.
CONCLUSION
Love God. Love your neighbor, including not only your family members and friends, but the poor and the suffering, too. Love yourself. We have this reminder every Lent. And it all comes down to this: Tend to your relationships. Relationships are what life is all about, when all is said and down. Take an honest look at your relationships, God says to you and to me. ÒAsk for my help in making those relationships stronger, better, more based in love and honesty and compassion. I will help you. Turn to me, and be saved!Ó
That is what I needed on Monday. I needed to be saved from myself, so that Hannah could be saved from me. Save us, O Lord, for the water is up to our neck. And there is none to save us, but You, and You alone!